When I had spent time writing about events of the past few years, it became clear to me that when I moved from Colorado to Boston in 2010, then moved into my first house in 2012, got married to Jose in 2014... although I was riding a powerful wave of joy and fun and turning over new leaves and spent tons of quality time with friends, I was also happily distracted from the near past, and did not recognize and reflect enough on the loss that was my last relationship, my years of life in Denver and my dog Derby.
I had briefly seen a therapist in early 2012 right after the move, but I felt like I couldn't even access the emotions yet. I certainly couldn't articulate what I was there to process.
While it was good for me to dive right into the positive changes that came with moving to Boston, I know I am still letting go of that first decade of the 2000's and recognizing what went wrong. Although it wasn't designed as therapy, my memoir class at Grub was able to help me access this.
Sometimes the only way to find these thoughts and feelings is to sit in quiet alone, and since I'm really BAD at that, and my weekends don't always permit quiet time alone, I at least can find the space while walking the dogs for an hour (like today)!
The first part of 2016, I dedicated a lot of my weekend time to figuring out how to save money better and get us out of a surprising financial funk, which I have to admit was terribly embarrassing for me, since budgeting and finances are what I do so well at work. But it's going a lot better now, and it's been a pivotal reality check of just how undisciplined and seat of the pants I had been with spending for many years, but had never faced consequences before. I had always bailed myself out if I overspent in years prior, but after our wedding, the savings had dwindled. It's coming back now and I feel so much better after facing it.
Recently, this summer, I have found myself reflecting on probably the worst bad habit in my life which is underlying criticism. Most women have this habit to some degree: some people are inwardly critical and some people are outwardly critical. My grandmothers were both famously outwardly critical. It can be a lifelong pain to carry when your parents are critical, which is something my mom suffered from (suffered her own mom's external criticism). Thank goodness, my parents weren't critical of me at all. So, why am I critical of others? I wonder sometimes if it's biological, but whatever it is, I need to own it and change the tide.
You might argue that I'm pretty positive. It's true, I have been mentally a fan of Complaint Free Life since I discovered it in 2005, and I try to exude positivity in things like social media and interactions and gestures. In spite of this, I am passive-aggressively critical. I don't criticize deliberately or directly, but I tend to give people advice or suggestions or things to "consider". I justify this as thinking of myself as a role model, good friend or mentor, with the in between the lines message being You should this or that which is essentially my judgment of you. I have noticed that I say "you should" something close to forty times a day between my husband, my colleagues and my friends, which is too much. And I think the point is, if you're being externally critical, you're probably in denial of your self criticism. Passive-aggressive is a typical form of denial, and denial is another word for dishonesty.
So, why am I bearing my soul about this right now?
It seemed like the opposite of denial to publicly admit that I know I need to work on this. And to request your forgiveness if I have "you shoulded" you too much. To give a little discipline to the plan, I am attaching a jelly bracelet in the Complaint Free Life way. Any time I am critical or judge, I have to move the bracelet to the other hand as a start-over. The aim will be to get to 21 consecutive days without moving the bracelet, and ultimately, maybe longer.
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